Sometimes life is like waiting for a medical diagnosis to arrive. Doctors ordered lab work, scans, and combed through your medical file. But delays keep you from knowing the verdict. You might ask, “Am I in danger from a life-altering disease?” When we face such a dilemma, I call it the in-between. Cambridge dictionary says in-between means “between two clear or accepted stages or states, and therefore difficult to describe or know exactly.” This space keeps us in limbo while all the forces of the universe work do their thing out of our view or control. Our next phase is imminent but unclear. Uncomfortable, we pace the floor, bite our nails, or lash out at a friend. Such a lack of certainty is nearly as painful as bad news from a doctor. We know we will be different on the other side. But to know what’s next, we sit in the waiting room first.
What can we do when a major, yet unclear, change will arrive? We learn to live in the moment. Yes, that is easier said than done. Why? Fixation on what-ifs is almost as bad as the trap of should-haves. The latter relives the past, keeping us caged in an endless cycle and multiverse of potential alternative outcomes. And these are hindsight and hypothetical, doing nothing to improve our well-being. Similarly, what-ifs launch us into the worst-case scenarios of our potential futures. Yes, the worst is possible. But how does over-pondering it help us?
When we ask questions about life, we unwittingly enter the in-between. I liken this to remodeling a house. If you pull up the flooring, you may discover rotted wood. This is why we fear asking questions, growing our curiosity, or generating too many good ideas. How will we handle it all? With a diagnosis, we can choose to be ignorant and ignore our doctor’s care. Our human nature leads us to let issues remain hidden underneath our feet. But regardless of whether we are imposed with an issue to address or go seeking after one, we will suffer the awkwardness of the in-between.
Alright, the in-between is inevitable. So how do we travel through it and see the other side? Living in the moment takes practice. And when we learn it, we are better equipped to face the growth required to earn it. But it is not enough. Some attempt to solve the in-between space with hustle, thinking that keeping themselves in motion conquers the unknown ahead of us. Some of us freeze. We revert to our inner world or divert by using anything to escape. Here’s a secret. We require companionship and community to walk us to the other side. Don’t do it alone.
When I worked in church ministry, I spent time a fair amount of times at hospitals with people in distress, dying, or with their respective family members. There was little I could do to help heal a sick patient. Even doctors have limitations. Star Trek’s Bones might say, “Damn it, Jim, I’m a doctor, not a magician!” But holding a hand and being with someone as they endure whatever it is they are facing meant more than I thought it did, especially to those who had no family to visit them in their time of need.
In the in-between, who is there to hold our hand? Here is a painful truth. Some things just can’t be solved. The transitional gap of the in-between reveals our level of resiliency because it shows us who sticks around when things are no longer easy, when we can’t put out to others enough positive energy, or when our vulnerability is embarrassingly transparent. When a couple at their wedding promises “in sickness and in health” they accept that an imbalance will eventually come. They promise to hold the other’s hand to get through the inevitable in-between.
Of course, there is prayer. Indeed, faith may give me hope. But the hand of my loved one is what that faith looks like in action. The ethics of this go beyond the personal. They call us to treat those in our society who, by their choice or otherwise, live in the dark desperate in-between. Their diagnosis may be about finding tomorrow’s meal or justice’s favor. Yes, we can pray with them. But we can also be their answer to prayer.